Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I think my fart just growled at me.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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