Your face is a jimmy john
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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