You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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