he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
