I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
