i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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