I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
