The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
