Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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