you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
