I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
