I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
