just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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