my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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