Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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