he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
