well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
