Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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