had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
