so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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