i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Green mimosas i think yes
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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