i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
