On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
