cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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