the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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