just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
