The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
