We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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