im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
