the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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