Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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