Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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