I feel like I'm in dance class right now
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
