I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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