don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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