please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
