i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
