I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
