One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
