It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
