There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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