Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
