woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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