I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Randomize