I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
