There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
