party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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