just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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