I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Randomize
