Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
