Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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