Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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