i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
