I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize