Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
