We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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