I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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