My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
