I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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