I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
