His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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