3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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