What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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