you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
