You smell like stripper and shame
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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