After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
