I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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