My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
they're like a gay fantastic four
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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